Nue Wave Hookers

Jeanna: When I started this Internet dating thing, I had no idea I’d be playing matchmaker for myself AND Sarah through site emails. But, that’s just what transpired when Andrew messaged me a couple weeks back and posed the idea of Sarah and I going out with him and his roommate, Cameron…a blind double date, how fantastic! Perfect for research. In fact, since both our profiles clearly state “my roommate and I signed ourselves up for Internet dating…” I’m surprised no one else had suggested it.

Andrew and I exchanged photos and vital stats of our respective single roommates, and he joked that Cameron was a Nue Wave Hooker, and his date with Sarah would cost $5. Deal. We planned to meet for happy hour at The Baltic Room. I told him to put a sign on Cameron’s forehead that said, “Nue Wave Hooker,” so we could be sure to recognize them…

When we arrived at The Baltic Room last night around 7 p.m., I immediately spotted Andrew, who was behind the DJ tables on the dance floor. Cameron wasn’t wearing his sign, but since they were the only guys in the bar besides the bartender, it wasn’t hard to pick out who our duo was.

DJ Andrew a.k.a ADD Boy

Sarah: The thing I immediately noticed was the fact that Andrew had a fuchsia tuft of hair atop of his head. Interesting and somewhat feminine in my opinion. The second thing I noticed was that we were one of only five people in the bar. Oh excuse me, six including the bartender. Andrew introduced himself and roommate Cameron, as well as a third friend, Sam, whom I assumed was there to play a mediator of some sort.

Andrew was immediately nice enough to try and ease the first meeting tension by getting a round of drinks – raspberry mojitos. I’m not normally a fan of the mojito, but this one was absolutely fantastic. I was completely entertained by sucking it down while chatting with Jeanna and the surprisingly witty Cameron… before I noticed that Andrew was absent from the table. Looking up, I realized that he was still playing DJ. I was confused… did this guy ask Jeanna out on a date to a place where he would be working that night?

Eh, what the hell. I was just along for the ride after all. So I returned to my drinking.

Jeanna: I asked Andrew what he was doing behind the DJ booth, and yep…sho enough…he replied, “Oh, I spin on Wednesdays here from 6 to 9 p.m.” Ok. That’s totally weird to set up a date when you’re supposed to be working. Apparently, he got a friend to fill in for him a little bit, but he was up and down and all over the place the whole time we were there. After we’d been there for a while, talking to Cameron (who I thought was totally awesome, although there wasn’t a physical attraction for either me or Sarah), Andrew finally sat down next to me. The first thing he said was, “You’re really photogenic.”

Uh, thanks? I didn’t know if this was a compliment or what. “Are you trying to tell me I look nothing like my photos?” I asked. “You should smile more,” he replied.

What?! I really didn’t know what to say to this, but didn’t have to worry ‘cause ADD boy was already up and off talking to some people who had walked in. When he did sit back down some time later, he droned on and on about the music he was in love with—some new style called Dub Stomp. It interested me a bit since I love music, especially dance music, and had never heard of it before. But come on, can’t you think of anything else to talk to me about? After a boring conversation of me nodding and saying, “Hmm, interesting,” a lot, ADD boy was right back up behind the tables where he starting spinning his Dub Stomp shit. Think the opening of Brass Monkey by the Beastie Boys (womp, womp, womp, womp, WOMP). I can’t even put it into words, but it was just a bunch of low bass beats that literally shook the whole bar from the inside out.

Sarah: In the meantime, Cameron and I were having a fantastic conversation about our upbringings, music, college and some of the rad things he did while living in Salt Lake. I was laughing at most everything he said, and felt sincerely bad for Jeanna, who I could see halfheartedly nodding and smiling at Andrew in my peripheral vision. As Andrew ditched Jeanna again for the umpteenth time, I suggested that we return to the bar for more mojitos. Unfortunately, the bartender was out of mint, so I asked her to suggest a similar summer / refreshing drink.

Oh. My. God. Have you ever had a Fresh & Clean? It is now my new favorite summer cocktail. It consists of muddled lemon and lime with raspberry Stoli and tonic water. I was in love with the fruity, fresh liquid citrus goodness. (Jeanna: I’m most definitely changing my regular Vodka Diets to Fresh & Cleans). After sucking down just one each, Jeanna and I were ready to let Cam drag us onto the dance floor to get jiggy wit it to Andrew’s “Dub Stomp” music. I wasn’t quite sure what I was doing (the music is relatively slow), but Cameron was pretty fun to watch. A mix of gyrating hips and foot movements and what can only be described as the Moon Walk, his dancing was just a little bit mesmerizing. He attempted to teach me and Jeanna the “moves” but we gave up after one song.

Cam the Man

Since I was by this time starving and not just a little bit tipsy, I ordered another drink. Note the following mistake: When someone invites you to “Happy Hour” do not assume food will be served. This was an error on my part. But not to fear… after going outside I realized that we had been hanging out next to a pizza parlor. Thank you, Baby Jesus.

Jeanna: Thank you, EIGHT POUND Baby Jesus. It wasn’t just a pizza parlor, but the best damn pizza I’ve EVER had. Cameron and Andrew kept complaining about how it was expensive and don’t expect to get a good deal. But after I took a bite of the pizza Sarah ordered, I don’t care how much it is, I would most definitely order it again. The crust was thin and crispy, it was loaded with toppings, and there was Parmesan and seasoning sprinkled all over it. After the four of us polished off the pizza, I wanted to order another one. Or at least put the box in my car so I could smell it all the way home and on my way to work this morning too. Basically, I wanted to bathe in its goodness.

By this time, ADD child had a couple friends with us whom he invited over to his (and Cameron’s) apartment, which was just a block down the street. Sarah and I agreed to go there for a beer before deciding if we wanted to go to a birthday/going away party at Neumo’s with these fools.

Sarah: The hallways and elevator leading to the apartment had not been updated since 1952. Strange, yellowed wallpaper with designs running up and down, left and right, over and over again made me feel more drunk than I actually was. The apartment was a bizarre mix of a DJ booth, an art studio and a college boys’ apartment. Furniture was minimal and stacks of makeshift shelves containing records, art supplies and miscellaneous junk were everywhere. Jeanna, Andrew, Cam and I were joined by two of their male friends, who began to tell funny stories while passing out beers.

As I sat on the couch my fatigue / jet lag really started to set up, and I yawned and wondered when Jeanna would be ready to leave. We laughed and told stories while politely refusing to get high with the boys. This was, apparently, a smoking apartment. I felt myself drifting backward in time toward my college years while we smoked cigarettes and blew the smoke and ash through a fan and out the window. Classy.

I felt like the night was beginning to draw to a close. Cam’s body language was starting to get a little to close, his questions a little more personal. I had to get out. However, Jeanna had her sights set on one more goal before we bailed…

Jeanna: Andrew said, “I made Cam a t-shirt, but he didn’t want to wear it…” What?! He actually made him a Nue Wave Hooker t-shirt?! “Put it on!” I exclaimed. Cam came walking out of his bedroom with the sweetest airbrushed t-shirt I’ve ever seen. It had Neu Wave Hooker painted in the corner. I don’t know why, but I had to have it immediately. After some unsuccessful coercion, Cam finally said, “We can trade t-shirts…” So, I eagerly agreed. I rushed into his bedroom with him, threw off my lame, plain black Forever 21 t-shirt and grabbed the shirt after he took it off. Who cares if he saw my bra-ladden breasteses (What does that get you?! They’re all padding anyway!) I was taking that t-shirt home!

We informed the guys that, unfortunately, we had to take off, so the two of them followed us in the elevator. Here, Cam tried to convince me to trade back t-shirts, and Andrew was begging for a kiss. (Note from Sarah: He was begging BOTH of us… uber creepy). It was a weird and creepy elevator orgy. Finally, the doors open and Sarah and I RUSHED out. I wasn’t giving that t-shirt back for nothing! He could keep my shirt, for all I cared. The elevator closed quickly behind them before they could get out, and we booked it up the street and down to my car, pausing only once to hide behind a garbage dumpster to see if they were following us.

Score! I slept in my Nue Wave Hooker t-shirt last night, and it was most definitely the best end to an Internet date yet. Screw phone numbers and love. If I could get an original t-shirt and hilarious story out of each one of these sucka foos, I could remain single forever.

Sarah: I concur. Major props to Jeanna for dragging me along on an entirely entertaining evening adventure. I can only imagine how funny we looked running as fast as our stiletto heels would carry us down the streets of Capitol Hill, laughing all the way. Definitely a pair of Nue Wave Hookers.