Make-Out-City, U.S.A.

I made out with a gay man last night.
I don’t know how it came about…I don’t know what came over me.
The even weirder part is that I enjoyed it.

I believe the trouble started after I met up with some friends, quite a few hours after their start time. In a frenzied attempt to catch up to them, I finished most of the drinks that kept getting plopped into my hands because my friends were all too inebriated to finish them. Apparently beer, tall Greyhounds (my new favorite drink), vodka Redbulls, double tall vodka diets and beer is a bad combination for a stomach that is nearly void of any nutritional substance. However, I did find it to be an excellent combination for riding the train to Make-out-City, U.S.A. Ever been? Apparently, my train made a small stop off at three towns along the way…

1. Friendyou’dneverthoughtyou’dkissville
2. Friendyou’vekindawonderedaboutbutneverkissedville
3. Gayfriendwhoyou’vecertainlyneverwonderedaboutville

Luckily, I jumped off just in time before I reached the "Weirdgirlwhowantedtomakeoutwithme" stop.
Have you ever kissed someone and had it be A-sexual, yet a turn on at the same time?
Let me tell you how bizarre that is.
Perhaps I should focus on kissing heterosexuals if I ever want to find “the one”….
Seems like good advice.

Currently Feeling: A little hungry, a little tired, a little sheepish, a little restless, a little nervous, a little impatient.
Currently Anticipating: The sunny and warm weekend! Going to go on a couple boats…attend the beer festival…perhaps get around to cleaning my apartment….nah.
Currently Reading: The History of Love by Nicole Krauss. (Another Best Book of the Summer from Amazon.com) Check the list out…I’ve already read three and they’ve been awesome!

Blogging, Blog, Blog, Blogger, Blog

I’ve been informed from a friend that I’m breaking some rules in my blog. First and foremost, I’m going to keep today’s blog very, very short. I know I’ve passed the limits of comfortable blog length many times. I’m just a longwinded person. My sincerest apologies. I’ll try to make things more “concise.” If you have a problem with this, please email mottolp2@cc.wwu.edu, he’s in charge of the complaint department. Furthermore, I’ve discovered that I’ve been breaking some rules of blogging. Very embarrassing. In fact, I’m breaking rule numero uno right now since this whole blog is about blogging. And apparently you’re never supposed to talk about blogging in your blog. Since this is rather embarrassing to me, and I really don’t know how I’m going to show my face in public again, I’ve looked up some of the rules of blogging on the Internet so I can become better informed.

After reading through a number of different sites, I found advice to keep it short, someone said to never talk about yourself, which I find weird, not to link too much but don't forget to link, to respect your readers' privacy… etc. In fact, there were so many damn rules to blogging that I now feel a little overwhelmed. I only started doing this for my own satisfaction in the first place, why do I now feel the need to please everyone? And how is anyone doing anything right when blogging? I did come across one rule that I think qualifies as my Golden:

Rules don't really apply in blogging. There's an exception to everything and everything else is accepted. Find your own groove and swing with it. If your style and message appeal to a lot of people then eventually you'll have a lot of readers. If they appeal to a smaller number of people then you're going to have fewer readers. But if you change your style and message simply to attract more readers then you're going to get sick of it after a while and you're going to quit blogging altogether.

Everything except the "lot of readers" part...that's not really a concern of mine. Anyway...happy blogging and unhappy reading!

Let's Break a Deal

I swear this weather is going to be the death of me. When it is this sunny and warm, going home and doing boring things such as cleaning and laundry seem so mundane. Summers in Seattle force me to want to drink more. God forbid.

Last night I zoomed home from work and changed clothes real fast in order to meet Matt and his roommate Andreas at Nectar for Happy Hour. Read my previous blog here about Nectar’s lovely lush-ious hours of power. Surprisingly, a table was open on the patio, and the three of us sat around sipping on our libations while shielding ourselves from the sun as if it were going to make us melt. We chitchatted here and there and read through the creepy personal ads in the back of The Stranger for a good laugh. Soon the topic turned to our own sexual escapades and the criteria we look for in the opposite sex. After sharing stories about our “uber-exes,” flings we’ve had throughout our single years, and what we love about members of the opposite sex, Andreas asked me, “What are your deal breakers?”

I didn’t know how to answer right away, and while I said a couple things, the question lingered in my mind for the remainder of last night and today. What are my deal breakers? It’s hard for me to really answer that question because all the people I’ve dated I initially really liked. But even after our dating stints end, I still carry pretty high opinions of most of them. It takes me so long to find someone worth dating, that once I find them…they usually don’t contain any of the “deal breakers” in the first place. After thinking about this for nearly 24 hours (minus the eight hours of sleep I got last night) I’ve managed to come up with a few things that either mark the end of one relationship or explain why one never starts:

1. Drugs/Addiction: Major turn-off to me. Some of you might be surprised. Yes, I like to party, however, I find it extremely disturbing when all someone can do is party. We all need time off, and I need an occasion couch and movie session. Furthermore, now that I’m 24, I find drugs disgusting. I’ve done my experimenting once or twice in high school and college, and now that faze of life is over for me. On occasional pot smoker—ok. Coke—no way.

2. Trust: This is huge for me. I’ve experienced a few relationships that were never the same after my trust was broken. Don’t give me any reason to not trust you, or it’s over. Furthermore, deal with the fact that I have guy friends, and I like to spend alone time with them. I will not give up my relationship with them for your own insecurities. I believe that if two people are comfortable and secure with each other, then spending time or talking to members of the opposite sex will never be an issue.

3. Stupidity: Refer to Risky Business in the blog below. I don’t care how hot you are or how big your muscles are. If you can’t sit and have an intelligent conversation with me, or if you think books are boring, chances are we will never get along. Furthermore, never misuse "your" "you're" "their" or "they're" in anything you ever write to me. Chances are I'll never think the same of you again.

4. College Education: I’m a snob. I know it. But I cannot ever see myself dating someone that did not have the ambition to do anything after high school. Now that I’ve attended a higher education institute, it’s painfully clear how much of a joke high school is. I will, however, make exceptions for people who followed a dream such as art school or firefighting (that one’s for Andreas) and are doing something that required some sort of discipline or planning for their future.

Those are the ones I’ve come up with so far…well, the less-shallow ones I should say. I could have thrown in “guys who are skinnier than me” or “jacked teeth,” but then that list would have been far too long, and I probably would have ruled out any guy I’ve ever met or dated. Maybe that's my problem. Eh. To wrap this up, I’ll quote an article I found in the Village Voice:

“Analyzing our deal breakers can sometimes lead to a happy ending—figuring out what we do want from a partner. Finding someone to fuck every once in a while is relatively easy, but finding someone to spend your life with takes a lot more effort. Sometimes I wish I could compromise on my deal breakers, but settling always comes with an emotional price tag. Be the best person you can be and eventually you'll attract the right person. Don't go hunting. Things should happen naturally."

Good advice for all of us still searching for that “special someone.” What are your deal breakers?

Currently Feeling: The shopping itch even though I currently don’t have enough money for rent and my car payment because of my vacation. I have a serious problem.
Currently Anticipating: The booze cruise this weekend with Matt, Andreas, and hopefully a bunch of Andreas’ hot firefighting friends!
Currently Reading: One of the best books I’ve read in a long time: Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer

Mexicana Vacation w/ Seven Bonita Senoritas

HOLA! I’m back da ne ne ne ne.

Mexico was fantastic, fabulous, great, lovely….every good adjective you can think of in those sweet heads of yours. I vowed I’d never go back again after my senior trip to Mazatlan, however, it’s tough to pass up a week with six of your girl friends at a timeshare that you don’t have to pay for. It turned out to be worth every penny and more that I paid for it. I feel rested, relaxed, closer than ever to my girl friends, and TAN! That’s the greatest part…

The trip started off to a bit of a rocky start when Vanessa and I both forgot our passports (well, we didn’t really forget them, we just couldn’t find them and didn’t think it made too much of a difference). It did. I had to have my parents drive all the way to Bothell and back to the airport just so they could deliver my birth certificate to me. They arrived a half hour before my plane was leaving, and then the United Airlines lady wouldn’t let me on because the last name on my birth certificate is different than the last name on my driver’s license. (When I was little my mom changed my last name to my step-dad’s, but not legally, so I have no proof of this.) At the last minute, she said she was going to let me go but, “it isn’t United Airline’s fault if you get deported in Mexico!” Holy shit. That almost made me take-off in the other direction, however, the option to run, climb or swim my way back over the border calmed me down, and I sprinted to catch my flight.

My friend Shannon’s roommate Jessica’s (dog of a brother’s sisters cousin’s friend) parents are who owned the timeshare. It was beautiful! The name of the resort we stayed at was called Los Tulles, and we all had to wear yellow bracelets all week as a security measure. (I’ve gotten pretty good at accessorizing with it and debated cutting it off when I got home.) The timeshare was three stories with four bedrooms and a HUGE patio probably as big as my apartment that overlooked the beach. Los Tulles had eight pools—one main pool with a shaded patio restaurant and bar. The Happy Hour was buy one get one free on $3.60 drinks. Seriously, why did we ever have a reason to leave?

Well, none of us found very many reasons. We spent our week lounging by the pool in the recliners, reading books, floating in the pool, listening to our iPods, drinking margaritas, pina coladas, mai tais and more. Seriously, it’s amazing how fast time flies when you’re doing absolutely nothing. We managed to leave the resort here and there for some fabulous authentic Mexican dinners. My favorite restaurant was called Pepe’s where the waiters (hot ones at that! Never thought I’d say that I wanted to sleep with a Mexican) made fresh guacamole right in front of you, the margaritas were the size of a fish bowl and came in 10 or more different flavors, I ordered an amazing shrimp fajita burrito that had crack-sauce drizzled on it, and we laughed and sang along to the mariachi band. Definitely worth a visit if you ever find yourself in Puerto Vallarta.

I was muy impressed with the city and culture of Puerto Vallarta. It seems to be a city with a little more cash than other municipalities in Mexico. It wasn’t extremely dirt; the old town was charming, it was green and home to beautiful, bright-colored tropical plants; it was located right on the ocean with palm trees and a boardwalk that followed the water; and it had a lot of American amenities and stores so it wasn’t quite a culture shock as Mazatlan with it’s dilapidated buildings, extreme poverty, and little kids running around asking for 5 pesos for Chiclets—which is seriously sad and disturbing. (Can you say run-on sentence. Sheesh) As far as the nightlife goes, we managed to go out here and there, however, it was grad week so every single bar was swarming with filthy and gross 18-year-olds. Every time one of them would approach us at the bar we would just look at them and say, “Hi. We’re 24.” In other words, “Get lost!” It seemed to work pretty well. I did find myself so tipsy one night that I danced on top of the bar, kissed the cheeks of bouncers, and found myself trying to learn Spanish at 3:30 am inside Taco Burrito King. (Don’t ask.) “Cuchillo, cuchara, y tenedor!”

The week wasn’t completely devoid of Mexican-vacation lovers. Did you really think that seven girls would go to Mexico together and not get a little action? I hope not! There were two beautiful guys that we kept eyeing at the pool. And by “we” I mean “Jessica and I” because apparently we were the only hormone-driven horny people in Mexico. One of them looked exactly like Tom Cruise…he was pretty freakin good-lookin. Vanessa and I were the only ones with balls to approach them (who am I kidding. I don’t have balls; I just tagged along when Vanessa went over to their balcony.) We ended up hanging out with them on Wednesday night and every other night after that. They were only 20, but one looked like Tom Cruise and the other had a beautiful body. I would have pegged them to be 24, at least. Age is only a number, right? However, Risky Business was seriously the stupidest person I think I’ve ever met in my life (and the hottest!) It’s hard to hate someone who looks that pretty though, so I had my laughs and poked fun at him whenever I could. I think he loved me because I’m probably the only girl who didn’t give a shit about what he looked like and pitched him crap. My guess is that he has only dated girls with blonde hair and not much to say. Either way, no matter how much I made fun of him, he kept following me around and wanting to talk. I think I’m going to try this “tough-love” technique more often. Coupled with my insatiable drinking habit, I should pretty much be irresistible. Here are my favorite Risky Business quotes from the week; please feel free to laugh out loud at what an idiot this guy was/is:

“How do ya’ll read those big, thick books. They’re, like, so boring!”

“One time my baggage got lost, and I was really nervous because I had, like, $3,000 worth of shoes in there.”

“I’m not really what you’d call the ‘goal-oriented’ type.” – when asked if he actually worked or had plans for the future besides living off of his daddy’s money.

So, maybe I could have had the opportunity to make-out with this dude. But seriously, would you have ever forgiven me?

It’s a good thing I didn’t. Upon our arrival home, I searched for Dude and Homeboy on MySpace, just because it’s always incredibly entertaining to read about members of the opposite sex that you meet. I try to look up everyone I’ve every been interested in to see what they’re like….almost like I’m a hiring someone and I’m checking out the person who’s going to be frequenting my establishment. Well, upon the results of my search I discovered that the little bastards are actually 18. That’s right…EIGHTEEN. That’s my little sister’s age. SICK! Their MySpace pages included their prom pictures, and the guy who enjoyed the lovely bedded company of one of my girlfriends that trip actually has a super cute little girlfriend whose MySpace page quotes, “I’m dating Shawn Spalding and he is an amazing boyfriend.” Poor little thing.

Are you going to argue with the fact that this guy doesn't look 18, but definitely looks like Tom Cruise? (left)

All in all, the week was great, but I’m glad to be home in the safe arms and in the awesome company of all my friends who I missed with all my heart. Being away from home, the Internet, and the phone for a whole week is a little shocking, but I survived. Now all I have to do is survive through this god-awful workday, sitting inside, when all I want to be doing is sunbathing every moment of my life like last week!

Other Trip Highlights: Getting my very first massage for only $40 an hour, watching five dolphins swim and jump next to our boat, snorkeling and swimming with bright-colored fish, eating the best lemon meringue pie I’ve ever had from a Mexican lady who walks around selling pies she balances on her head, finishing three incredible books, and just being.

Stayed tuned for a slideshow of my Mexican pictures to be featured on my MySpace page…

Currently Feeling: Like I’ll never get through this fucking day. It’s hard to transition back from basking in the sun all day to sitting in a freezing cold cubicle and staring at a computer screen while it’s 90 degrees outside.
Currently Anticipating: Nectar Happy Hour tonight and a bike ride with Matt
Currently Dreading: Driving home in this sweltering heat in traffic and going back to my apartment, which is currently infected with swarms of fruit flies cause I left some dishes in the sink last week. GROSS!

Somebody's Updated the Bible

Dear Journa-Nerds:

World Vision was just delivered the new 2006 AP Stylebook, which I assume was just published. Here are some new or changed entries that I find useful for my everyday life and hope you do too:

retarded: Apparently it is politically correct to say mentally retarded. “Do not use retard,” says the AP Stylebook. Ladies and Gentlemen, the stylebook has moved into listing socially PC words and slang. I wonder if they’re going to add an entry soon that says: Homosexual: Do not use “fag.” I hope so.

Taser: The correct spelling and capitalization of an electronic control device or stun gun. Did you know that TASER is actually the acronym for Thomas A. Swift’s Electronic Rifle? Fascinating stuff.

20-something: Since this is in the title of my blog, it’s good to know that I used it correct, even before it was in the stylebook. Man, I’m good.

Yahoo: “a trademark for an online computer service.” Phew. I was confused as to what “Yahoo” was, and am glad they cleared up my misperceived notion of it being a chocolate-flavored drink in a yellow bottle.

gay: Ok. So I read further down my list of “changes and updates” in the new AP Stylebook, and apparently gay was added. The gist of it says that lesbian is more common when writing about woman-on–woman action, and that gay is actually preferred over the term homosexual, except in clinical contexts or references to sexual activity. Apparently I’ve been belittling gay people this whole time if I’ve ever used the term homosexual. I feel so ashamed.

transgender: Here’s a piece of advice folks: always use the pronoun that the transgender (not transsexual) prefers. If they don’t specify, then use the pronoun that they currently look like…he/she/him/her. I guess I’ll stop referring to them as “Shims.”

blog: Blog has been deleted from the AP Stylebook, therefore, this blog doesn’t really exist.

Love,
Jeanna

P.S. I had a near-death experience this weekend and have decided to share it with all of you since I’m lucky to be alive, and you’re all lucky to still be reading my blogs. Check back…

Shallow Sally, Meet Army Sam...

My boss is setting me up on a blind date. Is that weird?

Yesterday as I was leaving work, I ran into Lesley in the parking lot as we were both walking to our cars.

“How is everything…how’s the boyfriend?” she inquired.

“What boyfriend?” I responded.

I think the last time I spoke with her about any “boyfriend” I had just met Dylan, and he was taking me out for Valentine’s Day. My do the times change.

“Have I ever told you about my friend Sam?” she asked me.

Friend Sam? Now, my boss is beautiful, out-going and intelligent…but she’s 38. I’ve done the whole mid-30s thing, and I don’t think it’s quite my style. Not to say that I don’t love thirty-somethings, but 35 was pushing it, and 38 is even older. I’m thinking that I draw the line now at 32. Or at least I’ll tell myself that, but who really knows?

She went on to describe Sam to me, who, by the way, is 24. He’s a Captain in the Army…not really my style, but hec, I didn’t think that 35-year-old divorcees or bearded men were my style either, and I continue to surprise myself. Since my outlook lately has been to date as many different types as I can—that’s the only way you find what you’re really looking for, right?—I think I’ve decided to give the ole Army thing a chance. According to Lesley, he has an amazing body (most of those military boys do) and a great butt. I’m definitely a butt person. And seriously, if only caring that the dude has a great body and a nice butt is shallow, then call me Shallow Sally. And Shallow Sally would love to meet Army Sam...hello lover.

So, she sent me a picture this morning, and I suppose she’s going to discuss the whole “blind-date” deal with him. Now, I don’t really know what I’m getting myself into here, but I know there must be certain stipulations that go along with dating someone your boss hooks you up with. For instance, I probably shouldn’t sleep with him on the first date. (DAMN!) And it probably won’t be like the blind dates on TV, where we mud wrestle and wind-up our night in a steamy hot tub or sauna. (SHIT! DAMN!) I also have to be a little careful about how many of my personal views I discuss with him, since I do work for a seriously Christian corporation, and he’s probably expecting some straight-laced Christian girl. (Dare I divulge the “real me.”) But then there’s also a multitude of issues if it doesn't work out. What if I think he’s a total dork, or not so cute, or he has back hair. Normally, us respectful women just don’t return any phone calls and leave the poor sucker to figure out for himself what he did wrong. But this guy is practically family to my boss, which brings up a potential for disaster. Will I actually have to tell the guy that, “I just don’t think it’s going to work out,” or “I’m actually not ready to date anybody seriously,” or “Well, you’re going bald, you don’t know what “conundrum” means, your breath smells, and quite honestly, the idea of kissing you grosses me out.”

Here I am, already anticipating the demise of my Army-boy relationship, even before I’ve even met the guy.

Either way, I suppose it would be nice just to go out on a date…plus, it’ll probably make fodder for an excellently entertaining blog. Shallow Sally will keep you posted.

Currently Feeling: Happy after the conversation I had with Jesse last night. I’m glad things are ok between us again.
Currently Anticipating: This weekend. I have so many fun things planned…art gallery opening at Evo where I get to see my bearded lover…Mariners game on Saturday…girl’s-night fondue party and seeing The Breakup on Sunday. Sounds like a super sweet line-up to me!