Piece of Shit Car

Most of you have seen or ridden in my car. It is a disaster. Probably my favorite joke is how I drive a car that looks like a homeless person’s vehicle. In fact, it’s so bad that I don’t know if even a homeless person would want to drive it. The condition my car is in is beyond unfortunate. It’s moved on to pathetic. It is, of course, all my own doing.

My parents bought me the car during my senior year of high school and it was in perfect condition. I kept it nice until two years ago when a woman threw her door open in a parking lot and hit the side of my car. It looks like someone took an axe and had a good ole’ time to the right side of my car. Her insurance said it was my fault, so I couldn’t get it fixed by my insurance. And it’s all gone down hill from there. When I lived with Amanda, we had parking underneath our building, but the two poles I had to park between were so close that I hit them almost every time I tried to park. This resulted in a cracked mirror, and stripping the black piping off the side of my car. Then I tried to pull out of a spot one time on Fremont Ave. too quickly, and I hit the flowerpot to the left of my car. Then a rock cracked my windshield, my speaker cover fell off and was lost somewhere in Bellingham, and piping starting to come out of the driver’s seat from so much wear. The front of my bumper is cracked all to shit, I guess from all the parallel parking I’ve had to do between Western’s campus and Seattle. To add to the beauty, a couple months ago I was picking up something from Sarah’s house and the turn-around to her apartment building has one of the sneaky cement poles…you know, similar to the ones at gas stations. Well, I didn’t notice it when I pulled out and my car got stuck on it. Every time I pulled forward, it would scrape, and if I tried to reverse, it just dug itself deeper into the side of my car. I couldn’t tell you how I finally got unstuck. In conclusion, I have scrapes, dents and problems on every side of my car. I can’t even park it on its “good side.” Oh, and did I mention that I just figured out the passengers side window decided to kick the bucket when John was in my car and trying to smoke?

I don’t even think the worse part about my car is the damage to the body. I am probably the messiest, grossest person to ever drive a car. And I couldn’t explain why. It might have something to do with me not caring anymore, or just being lazy. I don’t know. I try to figure it out but just don’t have any answers. See, when I say that I drive a homeless person’s vehicle, it’s not just because it’s beat up. It’s because it literally looks like a homeless person lives out of it. Currently, I think I have ten or so rotten Tupperware containers that I can’t seem to manage to bring inside every time I use them for lunch and take them home from work. My backseat also has a couple stray hangers, my slippers, a box of Corona boxers that I got in a Christmas gift exchange, a Victoria Secret box with a bra and underwear that I’ve been meaning to exchange since Christmas, a couple juice bottles, six or seven empty cigarette boxes, my gym bag, three or four old US Weekly magazines, flip-flops, receipts, a baseball jersey and hat, my mitt, Uno cards and more. I know all of you are cringing right now. The only reason I remember all the shit that is (was) back there is because I had to throw it all in my trunk this morning in a big hurry. “Why,” you ask? Because I’m an effing dip-shit.

I walked out to my car this morning only to find my lights on and my battery dead. FUCK! I live by myself and literally don’t have anyone around that could help me. Usually I turn to my dad for car help. He loves me for it. Most of my friends were already at work, don’t drive cars, don’t get up that early etc. So, I decided to try and call some tow trucks, which all of them charge close to 60 bucks to come jump-start you! WTF?!? I’m sure you’re all probably wondering why I didn’t consider calling the Brit. The guy you’re dating is supposed to be good for these types of things, right? Oh trust me, I thought about it, but it was definitely my LAST RESORT. See, I’ve been dating him for almost two months now and he has yet to see my car. I just can’t bring myself to do it. All my friends know what it’s like, but they love me anyway and have known me too long for it to matter. Besides, it’s good for a laugh. But how do I drive around a guy who is older than me, drives a nice car and complains when he has three papers on the floor of his car that it needs to be cleaned? If he saw the state of my car, he’d probably think I was the nastiest girl alive. I’ve been avoiding him riding in my car like the plague. In fact, every time I spend the night at his house, he gives me a ride home. But every time he stays at mine, I say, “All right, have a good day.” And snuggle back into bed, hoping he won’t think I’m a selfish jerk for not offering him a ride home. One morning it was pouring rain and he was worried about ruining his leather jacket, so I gave him an umbrella! Oh man, I know what I’m doing is jerky, but I still don’t want to offer him a ride home.

So this morning I was out of options. I couldn’t afford to suddenly buy AAA or call a tow truck, I had no one else to call, and I certainly didn’t want to miss a day of work and pay for no reason when I was already up, showered and dressed. I took the plunge. I called him and he was more than happy to come help me and would be there in five minutes. FIVE MINUTES? OMG. My car is an effing dump. So I bolted out of my apartment building and started throwing shit in my trunk. People driving down 5th Avenue probably thought I was a crazy woman. After I piled my trunk full of the garbage that existed in my back and front seat, I swept the leaves on the floor, straightened out the mats to cover all the dirt, and prayed he wouldn’t look inside or notice the state of the body of my car. I popped the hood, and leaned against the front while I waited for him to arrive so he also hopefully wouldn’t notice how cracked and peeled the paint on the bumper is. If I could have, I would have acted like a human blanket and covered all the ugly parts of my car with my hands and legs. Maybe that would be my super-hero power I’d wish for.

Well, he jump-started my car and was nice enough to not mention the sorry condition it was in. I’m still not ready to let him ride in it, seeing the outside of my car is a whole nother story than seeing the inside. Maybe I’ll let him see the inside once he’s so in love with me that nothing will sway his opinion…right. In the meantime, at least I’m driving around a semi-clean looking car because now all the shit is in the trunk. Maybe some day I’ll get around to cleaning the trunk…

Currently Feeling: So excited for bowling tonight...I made t-shirts and snickerdoodles for the team!
Currently Anticipating: Seeing the Brit after bowling. I haven't seen him since Wednesday because he's been on a business trip!
Currently Reading: Night. (A new Oprah Book Club selection about the Holocaust.)