A Weekend in the Ole 'Ham

A girl needs to get out of town every once in awhile to clear her head and rejuvenate. This is precisely what the doctor ordered last weekend, and it was more than just what I needed.

After my work was canceled last Friday because of the power outages, Kelly and I headed to Bellingham around 1 p.m. I don’t know what it is, but a long extended drive in Kelly’s car with ciggies and chitchat is just about one of the best things ever. If you knew Kelly’s car, you’d probably laugh, but these are the sorts of times that I think about when contemplating given up the nicotine. The two of us fueled our way up north with smoke and swiftly arrived in Bellingham, my old alma mater. I haven’t really been up there much, other than the occasional trip to get my hair done, and I certainly haven’t partied there since I graduated. (Two years ago, can you believe it!) I immediately began thinking of all the places I could eat…egg scramble at Diamond Jim’s, cheese puffs from Coconut Kenney’s, the salsa bar at Bandito’s Burrito’s…I mean, really, how does a girl decide?

The agenda for Friday night was simple—staying in with Bingo, friends, beer and prizes. We wanted to save our drunken sea legs for Saturday night. Argh! Kelly and I had some time to kill, so we headed to The Dollar Tree to score some sweet prizes for Bingo. Boy was it worth it. Not only did we pick up some Bingo daubers for our usual Thursday nights, but we managed to get a giant oversized pair of old lady panties, Bible on CD, and an Ovulation Predictor. Did you know you could get an Ovulation Predictor for only one dollar!? I’m using that as my line of defense next time a friend of mine tells me she’s knocked up. Babies are for creeps!

Bingo proved to be very fruitful. I won a little Mexican metal figurine named Cornelius Colby Jack. I think my Jesus figurine will really enjoy the new company now that I got rid of the smiling black cock. (Donated to the Bingo loot). I also won a rare form of pink cheetah print, among other prizes. Angie scored a sweet she-mullet, and Brett left with the sweetest prizes, including a mini disco ball and guitar, and Tough-actin Tenactin.

Brett with his prizes: microphone, rastafari hat, guitar

Mindy in her new sexy panties

Kelly sportin Angie's new sweet hairstyle. But Kelly added her own special touch—a rat tail!

After the excitement of Friday night, we woke up bright and early Saturday morning, made a pit stop at Diamond Jim’s for breakfast, then watched 14 hours of Cribs on MTV in preparation for the evening. Angie, Brett, Mindy, Kelly and I started off with martinis at Poppies—the only nice bar in Bellingham. Most would complain that it’s too expensive, but I think it’s a fucking steal. All the martinis are between 8-10 bucks, and they are constantly rotating their menu with new concoctions. Now this isn’t like any other martini bar in Seattle, such as Tini Bigs, where the martinis are spendy and all you get is what’s located in the glass. Poppies give the entire shaker full of the martini on the side of the full glass. So, you’re basically drinking three martinis. They fuck you up!

Combined with my four prefunk beers, I was feeling a little saucy by the time we left the bar and headed to Downtown Johnny’s. For those of you who don’t know Bellingham at all, Downtown Johnny’s is hard to explain. Let’s just say that if Poppies is the high end of Bellingham, then DTJ’s is the entire other end of the spectrum. The five of us just wanted to trash it out and dance all night though. I was more than pleased to arrive and discover that all the well drinks were one dollar! Can you believe that? I drank four tall vodka diets for four dollars. This evening was proving to be the cheapest drunken debauchery in a long time.

Soon, Kelly, Brett and I joined all the fat ladies on the dance floor at DTJs. I’m not even kidding you, I feel like it was a fat lady fiesta. Brett freak danced with each and every one of them. I’m pretty sure he was checked out by then, since he tried sliding across the dance floor on his knees and could barely stand up. God, he’s one of my favorite party animals by far.

I had the pleasure of meeting up with my one and only Bellingham-native friend, Haley. The two of us used to work at the JC Penney’s Styling Salon, and just happened to run into one of our co-workers. Never one of my favorites, Debbie was a loud-mouthed and opinionated married mother of three. She loves cowboy boots, tapered jeans, and huge hairspray-heavy 80s band hair. Needless to say, we never had too much in common. I hadn’t seen her in a couple years though, so I was nice and said hello. She was with a bunch of the fat ladies, and a few who when I first walked in, I thought resembled lesbians with their shaved haircuts. So when she looked at me and said, “We’re all muff divers!” I was a bit taken aback, a bit disgusted, but not too shocked. “What happened with your husband?” I asked, thoroughly confused. I mean, this lady was a housewife two years ago, how did she decide to take a turn at the V in the road, if you know what I mean. “Oh, he’s at home,” she said. I sat there for a minute, even more confused, until she repeated herself, “We’re all bus drivers!” and made a steering wheel and honking motion with her hands. OH. SHIT. Bus drivers, not muff divers. Whew. Time to cut myself off.

Hear, hear Bellingham! Thanks for the quick escape, cheap drinks, and fat dancing bus drivers!
I’m sure I’ll be heading up to get another taste here soon.