Bar Sociology 101

If I’ve said it before, I’ll say it 100 times more—I love being single.

I look at my life as sort of a sociology experiment. Every time I go out, I never know whom I’m going to meet and what they’re going to be like. Where will he work? How will he talk? What does he like to do? Is he a good kisser? How will we interact?

I’ve become a little boy crazy lately. Not gonna lie. I love meeting new guys. A little too much maybe. What can I say, they fascinate me, and they’re fucking sexy. Why are my nights so much more entertaining when I have a good-looking man to chat it up with? Help. Please commit me; I think I might be a manaholic.

Last night I attempted to feed my addiction. And by addiction I mean men, not alcohol, jerks! Sarah and I headed to Peso’s after a few cocktails at The Sitting Room. It couldn’t have been a better night to troll for boys. When we walked in, we both looked at each other and said, “Seriously. Is this a Tuesday night?” Beauty of the city—the bar was swarming with hotties. Of course, our first plan of attack was to stand and look TOTALLY available and TOTALLY single. We commented about the hot man walking by with a faux hawk and amazingly sexy jeans…then Sarah pointed out another dark-headed beauty and his handsome friend who were glancing in our direction. Score. We moved closer to the duo. Unfortunately, their much older and not-so-good-looking acquaintance was the first to accost us and drool on Sarah. A Vin Diesel look alike. He just bought The Comet up on Capitol Hill. Matter of fact, he just bought us another glass of wine and vodka diet. Worth the small talk. As I was blankly staring at him and listening to the words come out of his mouth, “Meep. Blah, blah-blah meep,” Sarah leaned over and whispered, “Where’s his hot friend?”

Hot friend—dark hair, smiling eyes, great body, sexy lips—behind Sarah at 12 o’clock chatting up two other girls. Bummer.

Perhaps realizing he wasn’t go anywhere with us, Vin Diesel decided to take off with his other buddy, and Sarah and I stepped out for a smoke.

We had just turned around and were about to light our cigarettes when the dark-headed beauty came running out the door and up to us, “You girls aren’t leaving yet are you?”

“Nope,” said Sarah.
“No, we’re just smoking,” I said.
“Good. I was hoping you weren’t taking off.”

Mmm. Can’t take our eyes off of him. Ran out the door after us. Hello lover.

The three of us start chatting a bit. We weren’t five minutes into the conversation before he had already revealed that he worked in a mall (as a cell phone salesman), and he dropped out of college. STRIKE ONE. STRIKE TWO. I glanced at Sarah with a “this guy totally doesn’t make the list” look. I think we were both still considering allowing him 2/3 of a strike out before he just started blabbing about himself. Some ridiculously long and stupid story about this guy who he met in the mall who sold cars who he tried to offer a job to. And he was doing voice impersonations of him, leading up to some sort of punch line (or so we thought.) But after I’d finally smoked two cigarettes and really just wanted to get to the end of the story, I said, “Well, what happened?”

“Nothing,” he said, shrugging his shoulders. “That’s it.”

And of course, being the sarcastic bitch that I am, I said, “Oh. So, do you want to ask us what we do now?” Because I found it a little incredulous that this guy was just vomiting words out of his mouth to us, basically to hear himself speak, or just talk about himself for no apparent reason. I don't think he would have cared one way or the other if we were deaf, blind and stupid. Sarah and I quickly tried to escape his attempt to hold her hand at the table and pulled a Houdini out the front door.

Sure, he was nice to look at, but sheesh, what a waste of a pretty face. And we’ve now realized that those pretty faces just don’t mean a whole lot if they don’t have the qualities we require. Who would have guessed he was so stupid, or so cocky, or so uninteresting? Exactly what I find so fascinating about checking someone out from across the bar...

You never know what you’re going to get.

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