Excessively American

Last weekend I went to the Mariner’s game with Amanda, Luke and Matt. Amanda’s boyfriend Luke was in town from Canada, and the Mariner’s game fell into her plan for the quintessential Seattle experience. (I just like to go to the games for the lack of anything better to do, and the hot dogs of course!) Our seats ended up being the very last top row on the third level, which actually wasn’t too bad because we were sheltered from the cold breeze, and we had a perfect view of the field from behind home plate. I was positioned next to a pretty cute guy with his family—better than a pretty cute guy with his girlfriend—so I was satisfied. (I always have men on the brain, it’s pathetic.) Apparently it was Little League day, so the stadium was swarming with little elementary-aged children dressed in their Little League uniforms. Exactly one row in front of us and a little to my left was a whole gaggle of kids—five little boys who were probably eight or nine, and one little adorable five-year-old girl. They were there with their parents, a group of slightly overweight men, obviously Microsoft employees. Why do I say “obviously Microsoft employees,” you ask? Because the men and their children were clearly from the suburbs, had money, and lived the ridiculous over-the-top excessive life that Americans are known for. After observing these kids for a while, Matt and I concluded that they are going to grow up to be the fattest little children on the block. And the most spoiled. Here’s why:

They started off eating peanuts. Matt and I got a crack (no pun intended) out of watching the little girl try to open her peanuts. She’d bang them on her seat, and just the tip would break off. (I think she was playing the Just the Tip game.) Then she would sit and try to peel the shell back, and then bang it again. Anyway, she was so concentrated and didn’t watch any of the game. Each peanut took her approximately 15 or 20 minutes to open. She was so cute.

The little boys on the other hand didn’t stop eating the whole game—they always had something in their laps. It was a silly display of excessiveness. After the peanuts they ate hot dogs—the foot-long ones, not the regular ones—then some of them had long licorice Red Vines, then they had garlic fries. Then little baggies of candy. THEN, they saw the Cracker Jack man and kept trying to yell in unison to get his attention. I think they were just doing it to be little brats. The Cracker Jack man of course thought they wanted to purchase some of the candy he was selling. So he moseyed on over to the row below me, and the little kids freaked out because they didn’t know they were going to actually have to buy some after getting his attention. Go figure. When their dads figured out the situation, they immediately ordered three bags of Cracker Jacks, even though the kids had already eaten hot dogs, garlic fries, Red Vine licorice ropes, peanuts and M&Ms. The kids blew through the Cracker Jacks. One little boy in the middle didn’t stop chewing the whole time we were there. He had enough food in his braces to last until the Mariners go to the World Series. It was so sick. I thought they were done after the Cracker Jack’s, but then I overheard them asking their fathers to purchase gummy bears for them. And this is what their father said:

“If you guys get the gummy bears then I’m going to have to say no to milkshakes when we go to Burgermaster later!”

Are you fucking kidding me? I about passed out when I heard this. What parent thinks good parenting is about giving your children an endless stream of junk food, or anything they want, at any time, without an end to it? Furthermore, what parent thinks it’s okay for children to eat peanuts, Cracker Jacks, garlic fries, hot dogs, Red Vine licorice, gummy worms, M&Ms in a three-hour period, then burgers, fries and a milkshake for dinner? I have never seen such a ridiculous display of money and over-indulgement in my lifetime. It was too perfect of an example of our American society, why everyone makes fun of us, and why everyone is fat. To top it off, when the kids groaned, he replied:

“Life is about choices!”

Life is about choices. And I choose to never raise my kids like those fat, rich dads do. Changing our society starts with one person at a time...

Currently Feeling: Antsy as all hell to pick my car up this afternoon.
Currently Anticipating: Sasquatch Musical Festival this weekend with Luke, Jana and Josh.
Currently Listening To: The Flaming Lips and Clap Your Hands Say Yeah in preparation for the concert.